Year one of widowhood…the year when the grief is obvious and raw and ugly, gets all the support and attention. But year two is just as hard, it is lonelier. My solution …keep moving, keep working, and take care of the boys!
Year two, as it approaches is pure abandoned to the new and unfamiliar life. I am among the “walking wounded”.
I had an idea that passing the one-year mark meant the hard part was over, like crossing the finish line, things will get better! Year one is a struggle merely to eat, merely to get dressed in the morning, merely to think straight, to cancel your husband’s accounts, change the name over to yours because he is dead. He is not coming home!
By year two, those things are largely resolved. No small feat, yet it is all replaced by a list of second year to-dos. For instance, knowing that other people must think you should be functioning and working at a back-to-normal level again, and being ashamed and frustrated that you are just not. Facing the truth that he is still — still! — gone, always will be, and there is nothing you can do about it.
In other words, year one is a struggle for survival, year two is the equally difficult struggle to begin living life again. He is still dead!
Some days I do not care about anything. Some days, I am tired — tired of fighting my way forward, tired of not knowing how to configure the printer, tired of figuring out all the finances, tired of needing the television on, tired of taking the trash out myself, tired of still having to cancel his mail, tired of everyone else having a spouse, tired of missing David. Just tired.
I want someone to really ask how I am doing, and say David’s name or talk about him freely. It keeps him alive. I know people are trying not to upset me by bringing him up, but I promise, he is already on my mind.
As I come home every night with the boys, they run inside and I will look up to the sky and I will tell him, I am trying my very best, it’s so hard … please guide me and give me strength!
Story shared by my dear friend, Faye Roeber, mother of three boys: George, Thomas and Evan, whom lost their husband and father in July 2015. Her struggle is real and forefront in her everyday life.
Your life with David was a beautiful fairytale. His love for you was astounding. I saw a young man in high school turn into an outstanding and loving husband and father. There was nothing David wouldn’t do for you or his sons. He left too soon! You have these lovely memories and amazing experiences that the boys will always be fond of. I know you have endured immense pain and loss. But you are doing wonderfully. It’s okay to still feel lost and unsure. You are human and suffered a huge loss. Take your time to grieve but don’t be stagnant, keep moving forward as you are. Take a breath and enjoy the memories from past as you endure birthdays and anniversaries. David is looking down and is proud of the woman, and what his gorgeous wife has overcome.
I love you, Faye. ~ with love, Jennifer